When I was eight, I found a pastime.
My cousins, whose big boy status made their silliness serious,
had discovered the yellow fly zapper.
I learnt to love the stench of burnt mosquito.
One day, the fun had moved
to the dining table.
Adults went on with their silly chatter,
while I, the hunter, stalked my prey.
Talk of family alive and dead;
my uncle nursed his drink.
All that is noise.
My prey alights.
Glass rim. My moment to be hero.
I move in, slowly.
(My youth is clumsy.)
I judge my arc and —
swing!
— like Federer. Yes, like Federer.
My kill drops from the skies,
falling stricken into liquid gold.
Liquid gold? His whiskey!
Everything stops. My uncle motions.
“Come here,” he says. Talk fades.
My uncle looks a scary type. My mom pushes — “go,” she says.
I step forward, fearful. To my surprise
he wraps me in a hug.
“Good job,” he says with whiskey breath.
Drink or not, that’s him.
Gruff, wider frame and stubbled skin,
but arms to be lost in.
You were the opposite.
I really like the line about the liquid gold, and the format of this poem makes it an easy read. I like the sense of honesty this poem evokes.
ReplyDeleteI like how you used the parentheses; for some reason I feel like I would have read that line differently if they hadn't been there. My favorite line was definitely, "My cousins, whose big boy status made their silliness serious..."
ReplyDeleteI like the realness of this poem, and how relatable it feels; your description is really wonderful. The last line is interesting because it gives the poem a new meaning.
ReplyDeleteYour repetition in the first stanza is really nice! I really like how it flows. I also enjoy how you seemed to write about in the past tense, especially in the line "I move in, slowly.
ReplyDelete(My youth is clumsy.) I judge my arc and —swing!"
I really really really loved this poem. I loved the last line so much and I think it is so beautiful, and I loved how intricate you made this poem seem.
ReplyDeleteI like how your perspective as a child changes the tone of the poem. The last line of the poem is very intriguing because gives the poem a different idea, while staying consistent through the poem.
ReplyDeleteAvi, I loved reading this poem! Your poem was a simple but interesting story that was really fun to read and flowed nicely all the way to the end. My favorite line is "— like Federer. Yes, like Federer." because I definitely laughed out loud when I read it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this poem. You used internal dialogue to show the boy's surprise that the fly had fallen into the whisky. My favorite line was, "I learnt to love the stench of burnt mosquito." Great job!
ReplyDelete